Week 114: The Joke's On You


Only if Hitler goes first.

That's why it's called an ear.

"Nah, that was just a New York City cop."

No, you idiot. I said a large rabbit.

I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for Don Imus.

She can't hear you. She's a Democrat. 

This Week's contest was suggested by Scott McKenzie of Manassas. Scott wins "O.J.'s Legal Pad," a spectacularly irreverent publication purporting to be the defendant's courtroom doodles. Scott suggests that you come up with jokes to culminate in any of the six punchlines above. First-prize winner gets our second genuine wooden egg from the 1995 White House Easter Egg Roll, purchased for $ 20. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 114, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the appropriate Week Number in the 'subject' field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 29. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads hereby solicits ideas for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Jacob Weinstein of McLean. Winning entrants receive their choice of 1) official mention in this column or, 2) dysentery. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 111, in which you were asked to supply a question to any of 12 "Jeopardy!" answers we gave.

We thought our answers were so weird we would have to scramble for winners. We were wrong. Great, funny responses. Best question that proved too popular to reward with a prize: Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: What are two things that occupy space near a gigantic, ancient bag of gas?

Fourth Runner-Up -- Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: What two things have less gravity than their partners? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Third Runner-Up -- Answer: Connie Chung and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon. Question: Whose monthly cycles does nobody really give a damn about? (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church)

Second Runner-Up -- Answer: Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot. Question: Who wrote "Murder -- murder, I tell ya, she's killin' me up here! -- in the Cathedral"? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

First Runner-Up -- Answer: Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck. Question: What code-word euphemisms did Ms. Locklear's agent use in persuading network execs to hire her? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the bedroom mood meter:

Answer: The Hero, Robert McNamara. Question: If a big sandwich and Robert McNamara fell overboard, in which order should they be saved? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Nancy Sinatra on Toast. What is diner lingo for aged ham clinging to a Frank with a warm bun? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

What was Sam Giancana's threat to Frank Sinatra? (T.N.K. Coughlin, Sterling)

What always lands Nancy Sinatra side down, unless it is strapped to the back of a cat? (Jim Pond, Silver Spring)

How do Italian delis refer to a hot pastrami sandwich with nothing on it? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

What is one lecture more boring than Euell Gibbons on Grape Nuts? (Rick von Behren, Washington)

The Hero, Robert McNamara.

Name two things the media have been having for lunch lately. (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick)

What movie could make "Last Action Hero" look like a blockbuster? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

What two things are full of baloney? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

How would one formally introduce a Vietnam vet to the former secretary of defense? (Allen R. Breon, Columbia)

What sandwich leaves a bad taste in your mouth 20 years later? (Suzanne Barone, Bethesda)

Joseph Romm's Underpants.

What was the worst-selling superhero underwear? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being Sharon Stone's drawers, what item slides in at No. 1? (Mike Thring, Leesburg)

What's the only thing that didn't have O.J.'s blood on it? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Art Fleming but Not Alex Trebek.

What is an anagram for "Fat Gremlin"? (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Tippecanoe and Gephardt Too.

What is diner lingo for an item that has sold out? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Heather Has Two Mommies and a Duck.

Why did the court award the custody of Heather to a duck? (Jeanne and Bruce Barker, Amissville, Va.)

Celebrating the Splendors of Paraguay.

What slang expression is the Colombian drug cartel's equivalent of "sleeping with the fishes"? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Connie Chung, and Io, Jupiter's Third Moon.

Can you name a satellite, and a dish? (Jerry Pannullo, Chevy Chase)

What are the two coldest objects in the solar system? (Nick D'Amico, Alexandria; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Who are the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's biological parents? (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

What two things will never be real stars due to their lack of the right substance? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Who is the last person you would want to be left on Earth with, and how far would you go to get away? (Tchaka Owen, Arlington)

What are two cold bodies, one of which was discovered by Galileo? (David Morgan, Bethesda)

What are two things brighter than Maury Povich? (Brad Blaine Jr., Washington)

Pharmacists on Roller Skates.

Who was arrested when the FBI busted the latest international drug rink? (Lawrence S. Robins, Washington; William Dunne, Rockville)

What do they call drug dealers in Malibu? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

What are the trainers of China's Olympic athletes called? (Philip Evans, Annapolis)

Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot.

Who are the prototype and the author of "The Hollow Men"? (Gary Temple, Bethesda; Joseph Romm, Washington)

Who are the last two people Kathie Lee Gifford would sleep with, including corpses? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Can you say "Regis Philbin and T.S. Eliot?" (John Kammer, Herndon)

Pulp Friction.

What happens when we are talking apples and oranges? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Poop Fiction